Psychological Mind-games of the Insanely Lame….

Brain says no...

That title is all about me… Me, myself and I. It popped into my head one day after a psychological warfare was underway in the deepest recesses of my cranial cavity. What was the internal conflict? Me panicking about going out. Yup… as simple as that. And because of all the different synapses firing off inside my skull, I worked myself up so much that I started shitting every hour. Sadly, I’m dead serious. That’s how messed up my tummy was! Thus my whole ordeal started from 9am that Saturday morning and ended when the first sip of gin & tonic hit my lips. Well actually if I’m being completely honest, it started when the event was booked. But all the shitting, fortunately for me, was the day of. How thoughtful of my stomach and brain. With that being said, I have no idea how my brain has turned into such a mess. It has somehow suffered a short circuit (possibly several) where once the internal workings were such a smooth process, but now,  convulsions take place internally instead. Isn’t that nice…

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The 40 Odd Things That I’m Thankful For….

Thanksgiving

Pandas, since today’s Thanksgiving I figured it would only be fitting to say what I’m thankful for instead of just eating all day long. So here it goes…

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Beauty in Today’s Society Has Got Me All Messed Up…

Mad, Frustrated at Beauty Industry

Last week someone snapchated me after about a year of not talking to each other. It wasn’t due to any one significant reason but a few little mediocre ones. All I’m saying is, he did some annoying/questionable things. But before I changed numbers I remembered him whatsapping me trying to meet up before he moved back to his country of origin. I, like all people who can’t be bothered to confront someone, ignored him. Anyway, long story short, he got back in touch and sent me a snap on a Saturday night about a week ago.

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A Girl’s Guide: To Surviving Alcohol

loveLucyDrunk

I’ve been meaning to write this post since last Thursday, when I came to work hungover, but since I was feeling like one of The Walking Dead Zombies, I didn’t have much brain power. And if I’m being completely honest, I’ve been drinking since last Wednesday, which is why I haven’t written anything new lately…oops! Anyway, today is a brand new day; plus I’m ready, sober and willing.

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Sleepovers Are Not What They Once Were… The older you get, the more stuff you bring.

packing

Remember when you were younger and you got invited to sleepovers? How excited were you being able to go to someone else’s house?! It was like a mini adventure. Almost like a safari of learning how other animals live in their natural habitat. You would pack the bare essentials like your favourite toys to play with and you were off. But as the years flew by your little backpack of “bare essentials” became a trunk of  unwavering ammunition. Nowadays by the time you even get to your friend’s house, your back is out because of all the shit you’ve packed and you are ready to fall asleep. My how times have changed!

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It’s a Very Sad Day For Bubble Wrap….Prepare to Shed Some Tears

Bubble Wrap is not going to pop anymore

Pandas!! I just can’t! I have some horrible news. The bubble wrap that you have grown to love for all these years is about to get a makeover. Maybe some of you are thinking that I’ve lost it over bubble wrap. Quite possibly. Or you might be asking, why in the hell is she getting so bent up out of shape over this news?! WELL, this “new” bubble wrap (soon to be labelled iBubble) will cease to pop. That’s right! No more popping of the bubbles pandas. Oh the lunacy. I can’t bear the thought! A life without the sound of popping.

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The Hottest Day in London in Ten Years and All I Could Do Was Pray For A Tiny Kiddie Pool…All DAY…For The Past 9 Hours.

hottest day in London Heatwave

You see the above photo my pandas? It’s my photo that I edited. This is what I have been wishing for all day here in London. For the heavens to literally open up and cry out a storm. I have been begging for a kiddie pool to be magically delivered to my office. I have prayed for some sort of miracle all day but have I received said miracle, of course not. Why in god’s good unicorned care bears would he see fit to grant me with a kiddie pool. Even though I think it’s a perfectly good request.

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Sunday Madness: Boxes, Missing Socks and The Negotiator…

packing

 

Oh guys, it has been one hell of a week. Actually it has been one hell of a month but this last week was like a whirlwind of chaos and I’m feeling a little light-headed.

Who here hates moving? ME! Between getting boxes, finding a new place and throwing out old crap I have gone right passed annoyed and onto the strongest of emotions which is that of hatred. Moving is by far the least favourite thing to do in life. Ever! And I am going slightly insane. Like Jack Nicholson, One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest CRAZY! And of course it has ruined my Sunday routine chill out vibe. Boo!

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Giant Teddy Bear, Equals Heaven

Giant Teddy

 

So I was being a lazy moo moo cow today. Hey it’s Sunday after all. Although I will throw in that I did some work, and went for a stroll so I’m not a complete potato. But I am not going to lie. I did a lot of surfing on the net today. And guess what I stumbled upon! Giant teddies!! Ok, I know this isn’t ground breaking news. But I’m sharing it anyway.

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Five Things That Attract Me To A Man…

Attraction

It’s about time to add to my ‘Five Things’ posts. It’s where I choose a topic and write ‘Five Things’ about it in relation to me. Basically, for you guys to get to know me a little better. You can see my previous post, ‘Five Things That Always Get Me Into Trouble‘ if you want. No pressure though, if you really can’t be bothered then I will totally understand!

Ah, Men! What a huge topic in itself. Sometimes, I want to punch them in the balls, while other times, I can’t get enough of them. Each girl is different at the end of the day. So I figured this was a legitimate topic for you guys to get to know what makes me tick. In all areas of my life. Lucky you! Woop Woop! So here we go.

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The Weirdest Search Terms That People Use To Stumble Upon My Blog…Part 1- Pandas

Baby panda
One of the great things about WordPress, is that it gives you statistics for your blog site. It really helps seeing what works and what doesn’t, what countries people are from and how many people visit your site a day. It’s a pretty awesome tool to have.As I was looking through all the options one day I noticed a section that was labelled ‘Search Terms’. This was in the very beginning of me starting my blog, where I only had a few blog posts up at the time. Therefore no search entries had been logged. This search section was able to tell me what people had typed into google or any other search engine. It narrowed their exact search terms that they used to eventually stumble upon one of my blog links. Bet you guys didn’t know that. Well, for the freaks of the world, it’s time you get a clue. All your search entries can be potentially recorded and saved. After a while, these search terms began to show up on my stats page and man, there’s some freaky, strange, weird people out there!

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Before I Go To Sleep…

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Every night as I prepare to fall asleep, I get plagued by the fear that my brain may not switch off. For one reason or another, it seems like I have built up an intolerance to mellowing out over the years. As soon as my head hits the pillow, my brain starts going into over-drive. And so, every night without fail, I become an angry ball of mush who’s brain is being stuffed full of convoluted mind-fuckery.

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The David Attenborough’s Approach To Mating Rituals

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David Attenborough has got to be one of England’s national treasures by now. I know he’s a Sir but I feel like there should be a shrine or something in honour of such a prolific human being. Is that too much? I don’t care, it should happen! Over the past 60 years he’s brought countless amounts of documentaries to millions about the planet, animals, insects, birds, sea life, the list goes on and on. Just to add, his voice could lull me into a calming, almost comatose state, where relaxation flows over me like a snugly warm blanket. This man and his documentaries are literally the bomb.com .

Throughout the many that I have watched, there’s one prevalent theme that keeps sticking in my mind. Which is that of the male species trying to woo a female. Their rituals are fascinating in the fact that it’s the males with their bright colours, graceful dancing and distinct callings through song, that break their backs trying to woo the right to mount their potential female suitors.

You see where I might be going with all this now? No? People! I’m calling a big mayday with sirens blasting right now because our human mating rituals gots a whole lotta explaining to do! In fact I will go so far as to say that they suck balls. Now, If you have been reading my posts then you know that sucking balls is not my ideal past time. In fact it’s on my list of cruel tortures along with toe sucking (Yuck).

The art of wooing a lady has disintegrate into a big old black hole, sucked up by the modern world. There was a time (I have been informed, seeing as I’ve never experienced these mating rituals for myself) where the men of the world would go on a courting rampage never ceasing until the woman has been won. Writing love letters, flowers, holding doors, and professing their undying, unyielding love for the woman that has caught their heart; just some of the things that they would do. Where the hell has all that gone? Unlike our little creature friends, it is the females who have to fluff up their feathers so to speak, paint colourful armour on themselves and go through hoops to attract their potential male suitor.

Before I start yapping why don’t you take a look below. Apologies from now because I chose to use the Peacock Spider as an example. So if you’re squeamish then…tough shit. It’s not horrific, so get over it. He’s doing a dance for Christ sake!

The male spider is below left with all the beautiful bright colours on his back which happens to flip up when trying to woo a lady. Hence, why it’s called a Peacock. I suppose I could have just used a normal Peacock, of the bird variation, but why be obvious. The females on the other hand are coloured with boring shades of brown.

And here is the actual dance of this little guy trying to woo his potential female mate.

After seeing this elegant, ninja like dance that this little guy performs, you can start to see just how much effort he goes through to try and woo the ladies.

Here’s the thing fellow females and I’m just throwing this out there as some food for thought. Why couldn’t our society be like our fellow creatures on earth. I would love to see men be the ones to dress up colourfully, to do a dance so to speak, to change their whole appearance to catch our eyes. It should be them fighting for the right to have us. Almost like ‘The Hunger Games of Love’. They should really work for it. But alas, in these modern times so comes the modern woman. And some of these modern ladies have lost all sense of decency when it comes to bagging a man.

I know there are some guys out there that will try and do some sort of courting to woo you over. But y’all get mesmerised by the first nice thing that a man does. After spending hours in the gym and spending most of your hard earned money on facials, hair extensions, mani-pedi’s, self tanners, make-up, perfumes, high heels and so on. Why do we all give in at the first signs of a flower being handed to us? Or the opening of a door? Or the pulling out of a chair? Shouldn’t this still be the standards? I don’t think I am asking for too much. And I don’t think that a woman should give in on the first date or give into everything thereafter. Women, you put in an amazing amount of effort to look good everyday. Sure it might be a façade but damn it, it is a well earned façade! So, if you treat yourself like the goddess that you are, then shouldn’t your potential suitor also treat you that way? He should be wooing you every fucking day!

By the way, I’m saying this after years of fuck ups on my part in this department. I was with someone who gave me breadcrumbs of affection from time to time. As in, it would be months of bullshit and lies and then he would do a gesture of love (a breadcrumb). Then it would be back to all the bullshit and lies. Yet I stayed around. Why? Because of all those stupid little breadcrumbs. I thought that if I stayed the breadcrumbs would eventually grow into a slice of bread. After all the mind games, torturous emotional roller coasters and mental bruises along the way I realised that I wanted an abundance of bread loaves, not measly stale breadcrumbs!

It would be great if we were able to copy and perfect a courting ritual. Ladies seem to sit all stiff at a bar because they are too primped up to even move. Then the men come, buy a drink for the female, say a vomit-worthy one-liner and the dress comes right off. So can we please listen to David Attenborough a bit more. Let’s start taking tips from his documentaries because I’m willing to bet that we as humans need to learn a thing or two about the whole mating thing. Did I mention that we suck balls!? It should be returned whence it came.

Bet you never thought you’d see ‘suck ball’s and a ‘whence it came’ in the same post did you? That’s how I roll people. Giving you some old school, mixed with the new.

Is It Ever ok to Lick and Suck Someone’s Toes off?


There comes a time in your sexually adventurous life when you come face to face with adversary and trepidation. It is when the man/woman you’re with asks you something that might make you stop dead in your tracks and go…”You wanna do what now?”

giphy-confused

Or worse, they might do it without telling you and you’re left lying there naked and vulnerable, trying to shoo them away nicely while trying to get back to the normalcies of sex. No one wants a surprise while they are naked. And once they spring it on you, the next 45 minutes are of you thinking about how awkward of a situation it was and why couldn’t I get this out of my head.

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