It’s a silly old thing, time. Isn’t it? There’s this power that it possesses for some reason. If you spend it poorly, it runs like water through a drain. If you spend it wisely, it might run like the summer months close to the north pole. Where the sunlight laces the days together and time seems to have created a wormhole of infinite length. But those scenarios can be reversed as well. Where it can speed up while having a wondrous time and then slow to a halt while you’re doing a task that you aren’t fond of. Time can be bent, skewed, thrown, stopped, pushed, delayed; manipulating it until you’ve achieved your goals. But what about the unfortunate few who have not had luck with time? Who have parted ways with missed chances or unseized opportunities because Lady Luck chose for them another fate; to not be in the ‘Right Place, Right Time’ section of life. As if you were in a constant state of ‘almosts’, but never getting any farther than that. And it’s not like you can force it. That’s the elusiveness of it. I have felt like that about relationships. Where the circumstances have not been spot on. Or the feelings, affections, have not been right. They have been an almost, but not quite. There hasn’t been that meshing of souls. The clicking of thoughts. There seems to have always been a catch. A bent cog in an antiquated time piece. A hiccup of everlasting sharpness. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I have not been given the opportunity to relish in that happy moment of everything clicking all at once. The merging of synchronicity. So perfect in timing that we hear the atom pop.
I have tried not to say “woe is me” when it comes to the failed ventures I create with people. Reason being, I’m now realising I wanted to be with someone no matter what. I always wanted love even if the chosen one was not in the right space of time. They were either not ready, noncommittal, unrequited, had to learn to be in a relationship, liars, cheaters, thieves and whatever else that stopped them from evolving into a decent human being. I however overlooked those qualities. Why? Well, because every time was the right time for me. I wanted love EVERY time. I was ready ALL the time. But slowly I came to the conclusion that the men who were coming and going, even after years of being with me, were not in the same time zone. It was as if they were travelling a whole light year away. And to add insult to injury most would depart from me all the wiser and settle down with the next woman they met. I somehow managed to be the setter-upper. The one to take the time and patience to mould and smooth out the sharp edges.
But despite all the time that has dripped by, I was not that saddened by it. What really saddened me was when you do meet someone who sparks your interest, who treats you how you should be treated, who’s taken a shinning to you, and due to some unforeseen circumstances, you can’t pursue it any further. In these instances I always raise my head up towards the sky and scream out “whhhyyyyyy!??!!” in an overly dramatic fashion. Once the shouting is done, I curse the over zealous idiot that’s been watching over me (my fate fairy) who’s probably thinking that I should embrace, go with the flow and learn from every experience. Sometimes I don’t want to learn from things. Or find the meaning as to why certain things happen. No! I for once want a perfectly timed ballet. Where every pointe means something. Breathing in synchronicity as we move across the stage like a silky wind. I want a perfect, right moment. Where two people meet at the right time.
What am I supposed to learn from getting to know a man who seems utterly sweet, sincere, genuine and who can’t stick around? What am I supposed to do with all of that? Thank you to the downer patrol for dangling something real in front of my face and then laughing as they slowly yank it away. What should I take from this? That I won’t be appointed a nice man for long? That there are still great men out there but I will never get to experience one? What?! What is it?! It’s cruel really. I do know that I have changed my tune towards the opposite sex because of this brief experience that I’ve had. So there, I’ve said something positive. But what if I want more? Or what if the time that I have isn’t enough? It’s just a sampling really. It’s like doing those ice cream tasters, never feeling full and never being allowed to have a second try. I want to say when enough is enough and for it not to be decided for me.
Who knows, maybe one day my fate fairy will be so kind as to plop a great man who can stick around for more than a month or two. But until then, I am learning to accept the cards that I’ve been dealt. I’m understanding that not all experiences are meant to last (even the great ones). I’m getting used to the fact that there will be certain times in your life where you will go through something because you will have to either experience an epiphany moment or gain strength after uncovering some trickery. But you know, once, just once, I would like the heavens to smile down upon me and finally grant me my wish for something a little longer lasting.
Here’s to experiencing that right time, right place moment…
❤ ❤ ❤