I have only ever heard stories of this mythical creature they call The Unicorn. It is whispered in huddled gatherings amongst the ladies of my generation. The oohh-ing and aahh-ing becomes ever more paramount after having several cocktails swirling and swooshing around in their system. Once the high levels of this potent elixir wrecks it’s havoc, you can safely bet that some tears of yearning are emphatically whirled about for all to see. The “Why’s?, How’s and Where’s” are sung in unison as they listen tentatively to the magical stories of years gone by. Of a time where all was right with the world, where too much choice was unheard of and social media had not yet grasped it’s claws into their unsuspecting preys, leaving bloodied bodies in it’s wake. I know, that was a bit melodramatic, but I’m just trying to paint a colourful picture for you. And what you may ask, is all the fuss about? Well, the mythical Unicorn that these ladies have been hearing about is, The Man of Unadulterated Virtue. I gave him capital letters because of the highly important value us women have placed on this man. Apparently they used to exist and lived peacefully out in the open, preening and puffing out their chests for all the world to see, proud to be of a good hearted nature. I mean that’s insane right? But alas, their numbers have dwindled. The Unicorns who do still exist, have crept back into the deepest depths of the untamed forests, hiding due to the sheer number of women who are scouring the four corners of the earth for them; only surfacing from time to time by stories that start off with “A friend of a friend of a friend…” And ending with “…Happily ever after.”
The goodness of this Unicorn surpasses that of an angel. His attentiveness spans all aspects of a woman’s needs and does not rest until he has witnessed an illuminating radiance oozing off her face in the form of a giddy smile and sparkling gems glisten in her eyes. The gaze of this man only has one target, and that is for the female that he has chosen to mate with for the time that they are together. Whether this time is a short or long period, his loyalty, devotion and trustworthy integrity stays intact, never faltering or wavering. Now at this point the ladies who hear this bit swoon, almost collapsing to their knees out of breathe with stupor. This man, wait for it… tells the truth. He does not make up bullshit stories that have so many holes in them, ones that even a four year old could have concocted and assembled better. He also does not, I repeat, does not, and will not, have dirty nasty secret sex with someone else behind your back; excuses which typically consist of ‘You’re never there because of your important job, I was lonely when you left me for the weekend, I can’t deal with your family, She lets me wear her panties and shove popsicles up my bum, She gets and appreciates my porcelain cat collection, She let’s me wander around her place naked with a conductors hat on while playing with my toy trains.’ Instead this Unicorn has the balls (the big balls a man should have by the way) to sit you down, face to face and tell you that it just isn’t working out. He would tell you that he went out the night before and was faced with the prospect of sex with a mystery lady. That he took her number. He would softly say to you that something must be wrong if he felt the need to hold on to that number. And after he explained to you what he was feeling he would then give you a couple of solutions to fix the problem while also handing over or better yet, ripping up that mystery woman’s number in front of your very eyes. First solution, for you to be aware and change the things that you have been neglecting in regards to him. Secondly, to go to counselling sessions, because you have been together for far too long and he refuses to go down without a fight and thirdly, if all attempts fail on trying to resurrect your shaken foundation, then it’s time to call it quits. This bold and straight forward method of the Unicorn is astounding for us ladies to hear. I mean for a man to confront his problems and to not escape said problems by cheating? Well, I never. My mind blasted into a billion more questions upon hearing all this. However, one question overpowered all the rest.
What happened to all these wonderful Unicorns? Well, the few that are still standing seemed to have already found their soul mates. They do this quickly, and swiftly. They do not faff around twiddling their thumbs wishing for their special lady to magically poof into their lives basking in a cloud of sparkly fairy dust. Assertive action commences with a wooing process even the late and great Shakespeare would admire. Using their skills of planning, persistence and thoughtfulness finally pays off when they land themselves a worthy partner. They are quick in their pursuit for the affection of their chosen female because lets face it, us singlettes can smell a drop of goodness from miles away, flocking together chasing and murdering our way to get to the magical target. Unfortunately in a herd, us women are a scary bunch of crazies. No wonder the good natured unicorns hurry to find their perfect mate. Now while these magical creatures are few and far between, I’m afraid the rest have been killed off by their arch nemesis, The Black Swan.
Ah the elusive and cunning Black Swan. Such an alluring and attractive creature with it’s fluffy silky black feathers. This one preens for hours at a time, constantly looking at himself through a reflective surface, any piece of reflective material they can get their hands on. I’m pretty positive that even if they were told to not let go of a button that was rigged to an explosive device, chances are that when they encountered a shiny reflective surface they would stop dead in their tracks and start preening, rearranging and prettifying themselves to oblivion. Of course, forgetting about the button. Narcissus springs to mind. The Black Swan’s ways are sneaky, secretive and stealthy and although he may appear to be vying for your affections his motives are not that clear. He instead chooses to glide through murky waters, dodging and weaving through obstacles by using the web of lies he has spun all the while collecting ladies like trapped flies. The art of telling the truth is a lost concept for them, for deception is more second nature. When they venture out into the world they will be on the hunt, looking for a superficial, “on the surface” kind of lady. No depth or range of character is necessary to hook these ones. Once a target is acquired he shows more grandiose gestures using materialistic objects which are then thrown fast and hard at the lady. A mere strategic distraction if you will. Unfortunately sometimes us ladies can get easily distracted by shiny objects as well. As this elaborate rouse continues the ladies become mush, mere puddy in their hands which is then ever so pliable, succumbing to the whims of the Black Swan. But after the courting dance finishes, and the distracting bravado has deminished and the plumage of the silky black feathers fall, the woman slowly but inevitably comes back to her senses and attempts to confront this creature about all the cloak and dagger tricks he’s been conjuring up. And what pray tell does the Swan do? Just like he does in nature, as soon as a chill fills the room and the climate starts becoming colder, he slyly moves on south to warmer and more hospitable weather. You however, are left alone covered in frostbite, wondering what happened, obviously coming to the conclusion that you must have been at fault all along. These Black Swans can even tempt a Unicorn over to the dark side, that is if one is outnumbered. Now you may think, how could a fantastic and strong animal ever get persuaded by a few Swans. And I say, it’s easy. They are great salesmen and they have invested time in perfecting their craft of the art of deception and illusion. Women you can not tame these idiots and if you try then I’m afraid you belong right there with them. Their idea of fun is cheating, sneaking around and to never get caught is the name of the game. If you see a Black Swan coming, run. Run as far away as you possibly can. Nowadays there happens to be great modes of transportation you know. So there should be no excuses. In fact you are better off roaming the thickest deepest parts of any forest alone for the rest of eternity in the search of a mythical Unicorn than to sit here playing games with this nut case.
It is such a shame that things are not quite what they used to be. That we have to see a youtube clip or a newspaper article of a 90 something year old couple living in a place such as neverland with a population of 2, who have spent three quarters of their lives together and still love to hold hands. Or that we have to hear stories of a friend’s friend who has found “happily ever after” no doubt cursing them out in the back of our minds as they tell the story because they found an elusive Unicorn first. But here’s the thing, as much sarcasm and venom as I spew out about men and their conniving ways, I do know that Unicorns are around us. You just have to look in the not so obvious places. Please don’t get fooled by that really attractive Black Swan making googly eyes at you. You know the one who looks like he’s trying to bore holes through your outfit like he has superman’s x-ray vision while licking his lips, LL Cool J style. Yeah that one. Ignore him. Instead find the man that looks into your eyes, you know the one that looks like he’s searching through your soul to find your heart. That one, the attentive one, the one who wants to make you happy, the one who might not be so well put together, the one who remembers to buy the milk, the one who calls your family, the one who covers you with a blanket if you’ve fallen asleep on the couch… that one, is the keeper. The Unicorn.